Angela the Witch in Twilight!
by Ucopia
Summary: Bella hangs out with both vampires and werewolves. Little does she know that her friend is a witch! Absolutely HILARIOUS! PLZ read!
1. Meet Angela The Witch

Bella-  
_**"Edward, I don't care who is a vampire and who is a werewolf. You are Edward and Jacob is Jacob. If Angela turns out to be a witch, she can join the party too."**_

Angela-  
I turned away from the crystal ball, stunned. How did she know I was a witch? I had known for a long time about the Cullen's and Jacob's pack. How could Bella possibly know about my magical powers? I had never used magic in front of her. How long had she known? Did she know how dangerous witches were? Did Edward Know? Did Jacob know? Did I change my underwear twice this morning?  
I sighed and turned to Bucker, my black pet platypus. "What do you think Bucker? What should I do?" Bucker seemed to concentrate very hard for a moment or, at least, he went cross-eyed. He paused for Maximum effect and said, (yes I have a talking black platypus) "Killher!" Even though Bucker can talk, he can only say two words; killher and muffin.

"Why muffin?" you ask. Well to make a long story short, I like muffins. So there! "Bucker," I said almost in hysterics, "I can't let you kill Bella. You would get blood and guts all over the carpet, and I still haven't gotten the stain out from the last person." Bucker looked crushed. A single tear welled up in the corner of his eye and trickled to the floor. "Maybe the next one," I said relenting as Bucker gave me that 'eat your heart out' look.

I reached over to the end of my desk and picked up a notebook and pencil. When even I get in a pickle, I like to make a list of all the ways I can handle the situation. I started of with the simplest one:

1. Kill Bella

It wouldn't have been the first time Bella had been attacked by a rabid platypus. I shuddered, remembering the last time. She had been walking out on the beach in La Push, when she slipped on a banana and fell on a hornet's nest. Then the hornets had attacked, causing Bella to run into a cliff causing an avalanche, which threw out a rock and hit a cow. The cow then bit Bella and dragged her to a drainage ditch, where 32 platypuses were having a pie sale. She fell on top of a cherry pie, pissed off the platypus salesman, and got her butt kicked with some pretty cool kung-fu moves. I swear, some of the stuff she gets into!

2. Sneak into Bella's house and steal her memories while she is sleeping

Bucker shook his head as he read my second option. Actually, I don't know what he was doing. Why else would he bash his head against the wall? I don't even think he can read. Though, that would explain why I keep finding dictionaries in the pond outside my house… Anyway, the main problem with sneaking into her house would be getting my mother's giraffe out of the basement (don't ask), riding it all the way to her house, and climbing up it's neck into her window. It really sucks that my broomstick is broken. I sighed.

Suddenly, a wave of genius struck me in the head and I fell to the ground. Dazed, I looked around. It hadn't been a wave of genius that hit me, it was a rock! I stared at the medium-sized purple rock that had collided with my head.

"You should have had a V8!" I heard a sneering voice call from outside. I got up and ran to my shattered window, just in time to see Emmet Cullen jump into his huge jeep. He started to drive away giggling uncontrollably. He was laughing so hard that he swerved at the end of my driveway and took out my mailbox. Then a stop sign, and then tree. He was still laughing when he bailed out of his smoking jeep and sprinted into the woods, cackling like a mad man.

"Muffin," I heard Bucker comment, as he pulled himself up on the window sill. "I agree," I said massaging the growing bruise on my forehead.

**I will write more later,**

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	2. Payback is a Platypus

**I dedicate this chapter to Megan Geyer.**

I crawled on my hands and knees toward the house. Sensing that someone was near, I threw myself sideways into a bush to avoid detection. A thorn bush. "Muffin!" Bucker gasped, as I landed on top of him. "Shh.." I whispered in retort. The door to the house burst open and Jasper Cullen came flying out. He landed about six feet from where I hid, hitting a tree.

"AND STAY OUT!" Alice yelled from the doorway before slamming it. "Dang," Jasper murmured, rising to his feet. He smoothed out his hair and pulled the leaves out of his black leather jacket. Once he finished removing pieces of tree from his clothing, his gaze settled back on the house, glaring. "Fine then Alice," he called jeeringly, "I'll just go ride my motorcycle naked!" What a come back. He then proceeded to stomp off toward the Cullen's garage.

"Remember this was your idea," I whispered to Bucker. "Killher," he replied, licking his bill. "Why did you just lick a dollar bill?" I asked him wondering at his sanity. "Killher," he repeated, this time licking my arm. "Eww!" I gasped and pulled away. I glared at him. "We are so not killing Bella." I told him for the umpteenth time. He grinned, (or was he trying to bite my nose off?) and said, "Muffin." I was so mad, I grabbed him by the leg and chucked him at a tree. I missed, and Bucker went through the window, into the Cullen's house, and hit someone in the head.

"Oh my gawd!" I heard Rosalie scream. "It's a PLATYPUS!"

I heard Emmet gasp. "It hit me in the head!" I grinned. I Scrambled to my feet and yelled toward the house, "Shoulda had a V8, dumb***!" Turning, I sprinted toward my waiting broomstick, (I finally fixed it. YES!) jumped on and flew off into the sunset. Actually, I collided head on with a tree. The last thing I heard was Edward saying, "Damn platypus! It ate my muffin!"

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	3. Not the Gnomes!

Oww… I groaned. I could barely breathe. Opened my eyes and saw a light coming toward me. This was it I thought. I was barely even 18 years old and my life was coming to a close. Damn platypus.

"Emmet, get that match away from Angela's face!" I recognized Esme's voice. Emmet panicked for a second, and then shoved the match into his mouth. "Ow!" he howled. I saw the bemused look on Esme's face. "Ut mach?" Emmet said, trying unsucceedingly to hide the match, and his burnt tongue. Rosalie rolled her eyes as she crossed the room whacked Emmet on the head with a banana.

"OME," Bella said. "Angela is awake!" I groaned again. "Emmet get the hail off of her!" Bella almost screamed. I gasped as the huge weight that had been crushing my lungs was removed. "Emmet, why were you sitting on Angela?" Rosalie asked.

"I couldn't let her escape!" Emmet seethed. "She might be a communist scout trying to take over the world and kill all the little orange gnomes!" Emmet positively glared at me.

"Sorry Angela." Esme said. "Emmet has been a little funny ever since he was abducted by purple squirrels." I looked at Emmet's glaring face. "I can believe that." I said. Carlisle smiled at me apologetically. "You got a concussion when you hit that tree." he said, momentarily glancing at Jasper sitting pale-faced and grim in a corner. "You fell onto the road," Carlisle continued, "right in front of Jasper while he was riding his motorcycle. He tried to swerve but accidentally ran you over and hit a tree." I glanced at Emmet, who was making freaky faces at me. "Emmy-bear," Rosalie said almost spitting venom, "if you don't stop it I'm going to stay here for the night!" Bella screamed and hid her face in Edward's shoulder.

Sorry it is so short, I have to go work (ugh)

I will write more later, PLEASE REVIEW!


	4. To the bathroom!

**Dedicated to an old friend no longer with us. You will be missed.**

3 hours later….

"Umm…" I said hesitantly. Carlisle glanced at me from the other side of Emmet's bulky form. After the Cullen's had finished filling me in on my injuries, apologizing for Emmet's behavior, and also for Jasper running me over, the whole Cullen family (plus one and a platypus) was lounging on the sofa watching Emmet's favorite show ever, Dora the Explorer. Or, more descriptively, we were squished in and around each other like a cow in a cookie jar. The sofa looked like it was about to explode, and I didn't think Bella had been breathing for a good six minutes.

"What is it Angela?" Carlisle gasped at me. "I need to go to the bathroom."

Emmet sighed.

"But this is the bestest part!" Emmet yelled. "I_ really_ need to go." I said, trying my best to look sincere. The Cullens' had been very good hosts, but it was only a matter of time until Emmet retied me the chair and interrogated me about the location of Candy Mountain. I needed to escape. "Go ahead," Carlisle said. "The bathroom is on the second floor. You can't miss it." As if in after thought he added, "Unless your eyes are closed or you are being mobbed by pink salamanders."

Alice looked at me knowingly. "You'd be surprised how often that happens here." I smiled. "Actually, I wouldn't be." As I flailed around trying to get out from underneath Edward and Rosalie, I heard a familiar noise. "Bucker?" I said questioningly.

"Killher!" Came his familiar cry. I shoved Emmet and Esme off the sofa onto the floor. "OMG!" I screamed. I turned toward Emmet. "YOU SAT ON MY PLATYPUS?!" I screeched. A well smashed Bucker looked up at me from in-between two cushions. "Whoops." Emmet shrugged. I grabbed Bucker and pulled him into a bear hug. Glaring at Emmet, I sprinted up the stairs and into the bathroom, slamming the door behind me.

"Muffin!" Bucker spat, looking pissed. I looked around the bathroom looking for an escape route. I quickly located the window and smashed out the window with a platinum basilisk. How did I get a platinum basilisk? Who cares? I tossed it out the window and looked down. It was a strait drop to the ground. Too bad Jasper ran over my broomstick. Too bad it was raining. Too bad there was a pit off death right underneath the window lined with spears. Too bad Bucker was gnawing on my foot.

"Eureka!" I said suddenly stricken with a brilliant idea. I looked Bucker strait in the eyes, which is harder than you think, mostly because he is cross-eyed as a bat. "Bucker," I said very deliberately, "Dig." He stared at me incredulously. Sighing, he started scratching the floor with his claws. Or was he break-dancing?

**I will write more If people review! when people don't review**

**I take it as a massage that my story isn't worth writing!**


	5. Wadda Hail?

**This one is for you Annie!**

**3 days later…**

Bucker had been digging/doing the tango, for three days. It was a miracle the Cullens hadn't noticed my absence. They had been watching a Dora the Explorer marathon, and none of them had left the sofa since I left. Emmet watched Dora with a slightly glazed look of worship and the only movement they made was Jasper wiping Emmet's drool of his shoulder. Ewwy.

Within the first few hours of Bucker's digging he had developed a song that kept him in rhythm. It went something like this, "Muffin…Muffin…Muffin…Muffin…" Bucker had made a ton of progress. He had dug about three feet into the ground. At this rate, I decided, we should be at my house in five years. Suddenly, I heard a cracking noise come from Bucker's hole.

"We're almost there Bucker!" I whispered to him excitedly. Bucker rolled his eyes, or was he trying to get the plastic bag off his head? I ran towards the hole and jumped in to help him dig more fastly. "CRASH!!!!" Bucker and I fell through the hole and landed on something hard.

"What the hail?!" Edward said throwing Bucker off of the top of his head. "Fudgemuffins!" I swore. The Cullen's looked at me rather stunned. Emmet jumped to his feet and pointed at me.

"See! I told you she was Batwoman!" he yelled ecstatically. "Only Batwoman get can teleport using moldy bagels!" Edward rolled his eyes. "She fell through the ceiling you flippy-cracker." Emmet's eyes widened. "Oh my fuzz-buckets! She is a disciple of CEILING CAT!" Everyone in the room groaned. Even Doris the cleaning maid.

"Hey," Jasper said. "Who is Doris the cleaning maid and why is she in our living room?" Esme screamed and pulled out a wicked-looking knife. "Honey," Carlisle said, trying to sound soothing, "put the knife down." I chose that exact moment to grab Bucker by the tail and leap out the window. I made it out in one piece, but Bucker wasn't so lucky. His head made a resounding, "SQURIK" noise as it collided with the window sill.

Still holding him by the tail, I sprinted across the lawn and into the surrounding woods, making away like a bandit in tights. Pink tights. With green dots. 'Cause that's how I roll.

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	6. When Squirks Attack

Gasping for breath I collapsed on the damp forest floor. Bucker stared at me incredulously from his perch on a nearby branch. I crossed my eyes and made a face at him. THUD. Bucker fell backwards of his branch and fled in terror. Rolling over I seized him by the tail and pulled him into a fierce bear-hug. "Oh you retarded little beaver-fish you. What are we going to do?" Suddenly I noticed that the patch of ground I was laying on was no longer dry. I suspiciously sniffed my shirt. "OH MEH GAWD BUCKER!" I howled, throwing him away from me. "YOU PEED ON MEH SHIRT!!" Bucker just smiled his conniving, toothless grin, and started gnawing on my foot. I dropped kicked him, and was astounded at the distance he flew, and how abruptly he stopped when he collided with a huge oak tree. "Whoops." I muttered. I suddenly realized how tired I was and climbed into a tiny apple tree to sleep. Groaning underneath my weight, the tree snapped in half, throwing me to the ground. With renewed determination I shimmied up a more substantial looking tree, nestling in the crook of branches to rest.

_3 hours later…_

_4 hours later…_

_11 hors and 15 minutes later…_

I opened my eyes and stared at the ground. Wait. That wasn't right. I glanced around and screamed in utter terror. I was looking into the eyes of a rare and rabid, Purple Mega Squrik. Some of you may be wondering, "What am I going to eat for supper?" but I'm not going to tell you. Though, I will tell you what a Purple Mega Squirk is. Imagine a squirrel, that's purple, about 3 feet tall, completely ripped, and is obsessed with crackers. Imagine it rabid. Now you know.

I tried to move my hands but they were bound tight behind my back. The PMS suddenly stuck one of it's furry fingers about a centimeter from my nose. "What do you want from me??" I screamed. The PMS just stared at me. Finally it spoke, "Sqeak sqeak sqeak, dorito, sqeak!" I stared at him blankly. "Was I supposed to understand that?" The PMS chattered to itself for a moment then pulled out a machete. He raised it up to strike, and I knew this was the end. "RAWR!!!!!!!!" Both of us turned toward the noise. There was Emmet Cullen, standing on the limb of a tree 30 feet above us, dressed in only his yellow bunny boxers, beating on his chest, and roaring. Grabbing a nearby vine, he swung down from the tree, howling like Tarzan. SNAP! The vine tore under his weight and he landed on top of the PMS. Scrunch-Squish!

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	7. Pete of the Squirk

"Jeez Emmet. I think you killed him." Emmet groaned and rolled sideways off the thoroughly flattened PMS. "I can't feel my hair!" Emmet howled suddenly in a panic. I looked at him, astounded. "Could you before the Great Squishing?" Emmet shook his head sadly. "No, but I thought I might be able to now. Just like Spider Man!" I sighed and tried again to free myself from my bindings. "Would you help me down Emmet, so we can get out of here?"

After a half-an hour of crying, rubbing bruises, and whining for Rosalie, Emmet finally picked himself up off the ground. Suddenly he glared at me. "You fled from the EMMY-BUL ELMO!!!" he yelled, just about shaking down the tree. He started crying again. "And I even let you watch the almighty Dora go on her legendary adventure to save the little chip-munks." Emmet grabbed me by the throat. "You even stole my TWEEZERS!" All of a sudden there was a malicious laugh echoing all around us. I looked around- we were surrounded by whole army of Purple Mega Squirks! One of the Squirks stepped forward. He was wearing a yellow toga, (good god it looked itchy!) and had a sharpened red crayon leveled at Emmet's back.

"I am Pete, Pete the Purple Mega Squirk," he said in a low voice. "Ya know kind of like Bond, James Bond only- " "I know already!" Emmet said, his patience wearing thin. "Fine then!" Pete said getting huffy. "You Emmet Cullen, are sentenced to death for killing my brother, Flappy McFlapFlap the third, High Guardian of Ix, killer of penguins, eater of baloney. As for the girl," he said gesturing at my now blue face, "we will dye her hair blonde and subject her to cruel and racist jokes, until she spontaneously combusts." I gasped in horror and as trying to breathe since Emmet forgot he was choking me. "No you won't!" Emmet roared, turning to face the fearless PMS. Emmet reached out to try and grab the PMS, but Pete was much too quick. With amazing and inspiring precision, (now I want to do it) he swiftly poked Emmet in the eye with his crayon. Emmet fell screaming to the ground. "NO!! NOT MY ONLY WEAKNESS!!!" The world went black as I passed out from lack of oxygen.

Wow! Now suddenly you really want to review my new chapter! Scary isn't it?

If you have any thing you really want added to the story please PM me!

May the platypus be with you.


	8. PURE EBIL!

I want you to read this and tell me what you tink. BE HONEST! tell me what you think if you think. I think.

I'm so sorry.... I haven't updated in for ever, BUT I AM NOW!

I awoke to the sound of something big and stupid screaming. How did I know it was big and stupid? Because it sounded like Emmet! I opened my eyes and peered through my blindfold. Yes, the blindfold was transparent. I was trussed up in what looked like a bunch of dirty kleenexs all tied togeather and it felt nasty! Looking around I noticed that me and Emmet were tied togeather on a platform in the middle of what looked like a PMS village. We were surrounded by indian style huts. They were about 5 feet high at most and were made of duck tape. Like I said, native indian style. Finally I noticed why Emmet had screamed; all the PMS's in the village were staring at us. They all had glowing green eyes and held sharp red crayons, pointing strait at us. I glared at the one who seemed to be in charge. "Take me to your leader!" I ordered. He stared at me suspiciously for a minute, then yelled something like, "BoomChicaWoWoW!" I watched unblinkingly as the crowd parted just enough for their leader to step through.  
"BELLA!" I gasped. Bella stood in front of Emmet and I wearing nothing but a full suit of medival knight armor. "Geez Bella, doesn't that chafe?" I asked. "Enough!" She yelled. "I am not Bella! I am her ebil (a mixture of evil and bella) twin sister, **_SUPER-BOB!_**

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